Cancer Updates
Tuesday, May 20, 2014 Today is the last of the first series of chemo. I will be glad to have this past me. June will begin the 12 back-to-back treatments. I am not sure how they will affect me or if I will able to function better with this more frequent – lighter dose chemo. The past 2 weeks have been painful as well as exhausting. I haven’t been able to accomplish much of anything due to brain fog. Brain fog is something I thought only came from Fibromyalgia. This brain fog is an affect of the chemo. It makes it hard to compose articles. I cannot focus on anything very long. I get confused easy. I can’t form my sentences the way I want to - from my brain to my mouth seems to get tangled easy. Cancer makes my throat sore and I have trouble swallowing, but!!! I keep the house clean! Lol! Just a little along will get you where you’re going. Slow but sure! Today they’re combining the Dr. appointment with the chemo appointment. I was just too tired and weak to do three days a week at the clinic. So we’ve combined the Dr. consult Mondays with the actual chemo treatment on Tuesdays. And that just leaves me going on Tuesday and Wednesday. Hopefully the new schedule for the 12 series will be the same. I received a wig yesterday May 19. A resource worker who is a cancer survivor had received it for herself and did not care for it but lovingly passed it on. It is frosted and a short cute cut and seems very becoming. Ever since the hair has been shaved off my head, I have wanted to put it up in a ponytail or comb it. Of course there is nothing there to comb or put up. It is funny how we train ourselves to do something every day without much thought. This was evident and witnessed by friends who picked on me lovingly about carrying a comb in my pocket, getting it out to comb my bald head. It has brought many loving laughs. I like to make people laugh, so I take it lightly, try hard too laugh at my silly stuff. It helps put us in a better frame of mind. Between the egg jokes about my head to the jokes about keeping abreast of the situation, and my own favorites that Nascar fan booby that is left and going left due to not having muscles reattached we try hard to make the day’s pass with a smile. I almost cried over the wig. Cancer will steal your dignity – destroying your grace and self-image. It can beat you down in so many ways. Everyone copes with this in different ways. I first just did not look in the mirror, especially after the hair went. I made a vanity to do my makeup and other hygiene needs. I still did not put a mirror in. Denial is easier when one can’t see the issue. I use tiny makeup mirrors to do makeup. Now I have hair to comb – even if it isn’t on my noggin! I want to thank everyone for their loving support. This blog is meant to help others, not cause controversy or issues. I think it is amazing anyone comes thru this without some damage emotionally. While the physical effects are inevitable and easily seen, the emotional effects are almost unseen exacting a lasting damage in a mental toll. Whether it is humor, prayer, (or ice cream and shopping) always realize you are not alone. mjm
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My First Chemo Session -- Reflections Thursday, April 10, 2014 Tuesday April 8, 2014 was my first chemo session. I was there for 3 hours. I did quite well I think. I had no vomiting. My nerves were shot. I was weak. I was also tired when the chemo began. There was a four-cylinder plunger set sort of like what you see in the movies when they inject a death row inmate it was hooked to my PICC Line. As each plunger was being injected into my body the nurse explain to me this was the chemical that would take my hair make me sick make my urine turn red or orange, yet it also was vital in the long run to heal me. As the red chemical entered into my arm I began to have eye pressure as the actual chemo was injected my vision became blurred. I also began to have my first migraine in nine years. I had been there for over 2 hours while Ms Margaret gave me anti-nausea injections and IV bags of nourishing stuff as well as nausea meds. Her kind words of encouragement went a long way. She was a light frail built woman. She is soft spoken, very pretty, very kind, and obviously enjoys her job. She explained to me everything she did. I tried very hard not to look so that I would not associate a visual concept with the basic information that way my mind would store the information differently. This is one way to alleviate fears when one has a TBI. A few minutes after the chemo was injected I was allowed to go home. I believe there were four red tubes, but there could have been five. They were in a tray. I only glanced so then I wouldn’t save the image. April 9, 2014 @2:50 When I went in and to have my injection on Wednesday the ninth, I asked Ms. Heidi RN to speak with my Dr. and was told she was not available. I have a nurse that I have a hard time with. Her name is Ms. Heidi RN. We don’t get on well. She is often rude and disrespectful of my wishes. This episode I wanted to talk to Dr. O about pain medication for the migraine. {I haven’t had a migraine in nine years. I believe it was in 2005 right after a tubal ligation. When I was taken off of my Norplant as well as having the Depovera shots ceased due to the tubal ligation - this was May of 2005. No more migraines beyond that point. } 1. Ms Heidi asked me why I wanted to see the Dr. and I explained to her I wanted to renew a script for Staydol or something for my migraine. (I can remember we went thru 6 or 8 meds before we found a med that worked back then) I explained to her I could not take some other meds. She explained to me: Dr.O was not there, and would not prescribe that; I needed to go to my primary care doctor. I was just there Friday. My migraine is from the issues with the chemo that is not his department. I then asked if there was a doctor on staff that could step in and evaluate to prescribe for the migraine. Heidi informs me they were obviously busy and would not see me. I believe that was a gross lack of concern, care, as well as prejustice. She also said she would contact Dr. O and tell her what I was “looking for” as IF I were a drug addict looking for a fix. 4/9/3:10pm I left. I wanted to address her about her commentary, but when I called her back – “Ms Heidi “ there was an obvious ignore as she kept walking out of the room – but she was also going to work with another client. 2. They changed the dressing on my PICC line on the eighth. (4/8/2014) When I seen the silicon I told her immediately to stop for even though it was laying on paper it would be easily melted through allowing the silicon to breach my skin thus causing an allergic reaction. She really was hurrying to finish it the more I told her to stop. With the clear cover the heat rises from the skin and of course it itches; so I am taking a little more Benedryl and praying it doesn’t get more serious. My hope of course is that at some point I can reconcile these issues with this nurse and have a good relationship at some point. It is important to have a good working relationship with all of your medical staff. Just for today --> Set two 3 minute brain reboots aside = (7am 7pm or 5am 5pm) see what I mean? 3 minutes of calm time at your choice. Focus on deep breathing, Prayer, actual meditation, calming music (This can be your music - from Jazz or Country to Metallica or Church Music.) This is you time - 3 minutes. You will be shocked at how it helps.
Breast Cancer 2013
I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer in April 2013. I was shocked and in denial even though the tumor was as big as a golf ball or tangerine and had been there quite a while. It began growing years ago and had stopped growing 2 years back . Early 2013 the knot began getting hard and hurting. I have other health issues I thought this was attributed to, it was my own form of sad denial.. When it began hurting and hardening then it began to be an issue I could no longer deny. Other knots from myofacial pain syndrome had just went away over the years. Making a scapegoat for the knot was my way of coping. It rang in my ears like a church bell thru the hillside - breast cancer. I could not get out of the hospital fast enough. The doctor and others were ready to start treatment on a diagnosis I was not ready to face. The staff would not let me leave until the doctor came in to talk to me - even blocking the door so I could not leave. I felt like a corned a wild animal. I went home and did not tell my family. I told a friend that was dear to me. I found that acclimation would take time. The summer came. My daughter came for a visit and stayed for four months. I never said a word and neither did my friend. I did learn that I needed to try to get treatment if not for myself for her. After she went home to start college I checked in and began treatment. October 30th, 2013 I had a mastectomy of the right breast. This was a terrible fiasco. They cut the muscle and let it go - it retracts and has no where to go thus lacking a purpose. I am allergic to silicon. The JP drains were made of silicon. My face and chest broke out. My face became so raw and swollen my eyes were nearly swollen shut. Once the drains were changed to rubber like folded space tubing the severe reaction abated. I was in the hospital for 3 to 4 days for that. Then I fell in in the shower and ripped my chest open a few days later. The surgeon could not understand why they ripped. The stitches were also silicon based. The skin around them had deteriorated. I had to be resown. I spent another few days in the hospital. After all was said and done I asked my surgeon "did you not see ALLERGIES: Silicon on my file?" She said "oh yeah I seen it but I had no idea what that meant." I would be afraid to be a penicillin patient who could die of a reaction to penicillin when given. I was in the hospital from 10/30 to 11/31 every day but eleven - and those days were spaced out two here and three there. December I spent resting. I am presently preparing for chemo. My breast surgery has been an ordeal and a half. My choices have been what they needed to be for survival according to the "medical staff" at hand. Along the way I have caught the medical staff in a couple of misconstrued facts. I was told by the surgeon all my lymph nodes returned cancerous and the oncologist told me it was actually three out of eight. (I was under the impression she took all of them out and then they all tested positive for cancer.) The most important thing is to get the best treatment one possibly can. Below is some pictures of my breast post surgery. The JP drains were not explained to me and I ended up with them after surgery by surprise. Fluid has to be drained thru them. I had it leak all down my side thru my bandages. I would bend down and fluid the width of my pinky finger would shoot three feet from my arm pit. I had the idea of buying baby diapers to catch it and keep me dry and clean. It was a great idea. I used a rib binder to keep the diaper in place. This is the first glimpse I suppose of a journey into a dreadful battle. I have went from denial to acceptance to treading the river of treatment choices. I hope this helps those who need to know what it is like. A Journey Through The Rain of Pennies Fibromyalgia often flairs up for no apparent reason. As the years go by more and more of the muscular system becomes affected until everything that is a muscle or muscle driven (whole body) becomes affected. I will have this 20 years next year and though I am glad I have persevered thru the years; days like today when I am 6 days into a flair and sore beyond reason, tired and weak make me question my sanity. It is honestly as if one if walking through a rain of pennies. My brain gets stuck in what is known as fibro fog. I continuously repeat, like rebooting an old computer, to keep my thoughts going and people think I am doing it to tell them a second or third time when I am trying so very hard just to keep the thought and build on it to get the sentence out right. My body is a throbbing reminder of every blow it ever took through life or the hands of another. Ever transmission I ever dropped across my chest, every engine I ever worked on that slipped on a chain and I tried to catch straining an arm or shoulder, every jack that slipped and caught me before hitting the breaker stands (a good scare I was always fatter than the stand was high), every fight, beating, stabbing, rape, and inch of life that was excess mileage rolls out, like torture in almost every fiber of my being. What is not right is not working very well. Suffering sometimes is a badge of honor, but often I am neither honorable or even dignified. I am short tempered sometimes. I say some crazy radical things that are often quirky fragmented thoughts. I think some odd crazy paranoid things & out they come. I drop everything. Then really have to struggle to pick or clean it up. It is hard to move around. (I swear to God I would get a dog to clean up and pick up just the stuff I drop - she would have a full time job and be an be as big as a barrel!) It is hard for normal folks to fathom. I always pray the Lord help me realize and keep me in away from loved ones, sometimes like yesterday it is necessary for me to be out. So I try hard to use humor if I must be out. Once I am 5 or 7 days into a flair - there is no use trying to use anything but closing the door until the flair passes. I call it "Not fit for human consumption." Sad, but so very true; It passes though and I get some better versions or life with this muscle syndrome/disease. The only things that really keeps me going. Is the love and friendship of my daughter: Beth Unbreakable McBride, My Dad: Steven McBride. I have life long family & friends: Melissa Rae Cotton-milan, Kayla Alexis Taylor, George Lee, Bobby Duncan, Randy Roedel, and his wife Gladys Roedel, these are just a few who are angels in my life. They make my life worth living despite all the pain and drama. They keep me smiling and learning! It is necessary to have that kind of support and often people with FS or CFS have so few who are supportive. Unseen disabilities often get the disabled person mistreated by well meaning family and friends - even medical staff. They are told everything from: "get over it already - to - you look well , maybe it is all in your head," as well as some excessively rude things. Can you be that angel in someone's life? (Do not be a floor mat don't be used ... be supportive, be kind, be thought provoking, teach not preach, a hand up - never a hand out. Encourage one to grow their pride and dignity by positive means - education, learning a trade, finding a purpose, anything that will build their spirit and help them find a life of contentment.) MJM For Those Who Ask.....
Lately I have had some strange things happen in my life. A neighbor I am not especially close to felt impelled to pray over me and with me the other morning while I was down stairs washing my clothes in the community laundry. She passed the doorway with a usual good morning as we do and moments later slipped back in and asked if she could offer a prayer for me. She took my hands and prayed the most loving prayer of hope and kindness. This was odd, but welcome. (I have had some stressful internal issues lately. Though I don't always share them; God knows what you need and when you need it. I have been rather shell-shocked since April.) This no doubt was a little hug from our Lord thru someone in tune with his will. The other incident was 7/3/2013 and just precious also. We have an elderly Spanish lady who lives here. She is our adopted community Mom. (She does not speak a lick of English - but gets the point across!) She fussed at me the other day about smoking - I mean fussed... I told her in my best Spanish: Thank you for Love Me .. Ironically, I have been praying to quit smoking and trying to work towards my prayers since Father's Day. A perfect gift. 7/8/2013 = I received my first box of Chantix. I will win. "Those who ask the door will be opened."----> Jesus There is a new video on the front page of this website. I made it as a self therapy project. The last couple weeks has been a struggle with different issues in my own life. I have been contemplating making a new video with animal stills in it. It is a pleasant couple of hour project that makes a fulfilling result. I use the Windows Movie Maker on my HP Laptop. The pictures I use are saved from friends or I have taken them - some were sent to me. The music has came from dozens of places. Mp3 is always best. These videos are to give an idea of what one can do if they want to make a family stills video for a therapy project. Do not allow yourself to become frustrated know when to get up and come back to it later. These are wonderful for gifts. It is easy to save them on a high quality thumb drive or sd chip and add to a card for that someone special. (The same storage can be plugged into a digital picture frame as a gift.)
Please enjoy and give thought to projects you can do to settle your mind. It need not be a huge project - just an enjoyable one. MJM Habits That Steal Our Joy: Worry About Finances
This is one of the biggest worry makers today. It is amazing to be on the beginning upswing of the end of a depression. There are cycles to everything. Cycles to life, family, and love are some of the ones we are most familiar with. Finances are part of the cycle of the economy. The cycles of the economy are recession, depression, and finally boom or as I like to say - bloom and boom. Educate yourself about your choices. Be proactive - if someones else handles your money - someone else will pocket it. Take half an hour or so each week and think about your finances by watching Suze Orman or even some other finance guru. !!!!!!!! Learn to use wisely what you earn & you will always have what you need to succeed. !!!!! MJM My Thoughts on Memorial Day For All Those In The Service Of Our Country & All Those Injured or Lost Along The Way May Jehovah: 1. Call You To Peace In Every Conceivable Way 2. Comfort You & Your Loved Ones, 3. Bless Your Families Until There Is No More Want 4. Help Every American Remember Always That Freedom Is Never Free Phil. 4:7 May the peace of God that excels all thought guard your hearts and minds in Jesus Christ. Happy Memorial Day! Be Safe, Be Blessed! Most of all REMEMBER how we got here and teach your young ones. Sunday, May 19, 2013
The Various Habits that Steal Your Peace: Worry How often have intrusive worrisome thoughts kept you from sleeping at night, distracted at work, kept you from paying attention to your kids, or more important things in general? Often we worry about things we can do nothing about at the moment. We must wait to have the money to pay a bill. We have a deadline to meet for a project at work or school. The significant other is giving you grief or so you think. Of course the list of worrisome things can become infinite. A friend of mine once said they worried so much that when everything was going well they worried what in the world that was all about – everything going well couldn’t be true! Worry is a habit with a natural base in the human thought process. It is meant to safe guard as well as motivate us. Being worried about real things performs a needed function in our lives - it can lead to action.(*1) Recognizing that worries come from things both real and imaginary is imperative to understanding why we worry.(*1) Our imagination can speckle our internal environment with every manner of fearful possibility, many of which do not exist outside of our fertile imaginations.(*1) Nonetheless, they trigger the same damaging chemical and physical changes as a genuine emergency.(*1) This often leaves one physically and emotionally drained, as well as can have physical ramifications over the long haul. Worry can also become an obsessive behavior bordering on addictive. It is often challenging, to say the least, to control for some. Today let’s look at some of the practices or other habits that enable or promote this “Peace Thief” and it’s intrusion in our lives. Human’s often feed the monkeys that are on their back. 1. Lying, Gossip, and Keeping Detrimental Secrets: It is so funny that people who are grown misrepresent any number of things in their day-to-day lives. What is the result? Is so-n-so going to find out ..whatever it is? Is “my friend” going to tell my secret? Will they find out I told? It is often inevitable that “what is done in the dark comes to the light” Mat 10:26-27. You can be assured a secret, gossip, or a lie will inevitably come to the knowledge of everyone you don’t want to know. The most positive way of not promoting this drama is keeping your life private with self-respect and not listening to everyone else’s trifling personal reports. A polite statement for keeping your own information private: “I am so conflicted and unsure about what has happened that until I know more or understand it better I do not feel comfortable talking about the issue.” If one continues the past statement can be followed by a polite: “Please have some respect for my decision.” If someone continues where they should not, you have the right to walk away if the individual is face-to-face. Changing the subject can be helpful. Hang up the phone or do not answer it to begin with if YOU know it is drama and you may be tempted. (The same goes for the door.) There is No Shame in Keeping the Drama Tame! These are instigators for worry and a peace thief that is in your control. 2. Stealing, Cheating, Hating, and Causing Harm: Plotting harm – This should be self-explanatory. No matter how much you may want to get even – It is never worth it. The continuous ramifications will wear you down with worry and guilt. 3. Bills and Daily Needs: It is easy to live beyond our means. Keeping life simple and getting back to basics can often take time, but it can give one a new outlook as well as reality. (I have student loan debt of about 58,000. I pay for most everything with cash. I put off buying items until I can pay cash or layaway them until paid for. I sometimes worry about getting back to college to finish my last 6 to 8 classes, but I know in due time it will come, thus I dismiss the worry and pray for a better frame of mind.) There are many ways to work thru the worry over daily needs and bills. I often continue my education with free courses from HP, or other places online that have no credit general knowledge “certificate” courses. Keeping the mind busy helps. I mentioned prayer, but one should be proactive too. Find a part time job, pick up cans and bottles, sew or crochet, find a way to cater to others specific needs – cleaning for example. Boats, cars/trucks, homes, offices, windows, siding on homes, and the list of custom cleaning jobs are long and very lucrative for the hard working individual. Find something you do well and work towards your prayers. (Seek and you shall find!) 4. Be content within. I think this is the hardest for so many. We want this, that and the other thing. We measure our value by the possessions we have or acquisitions of our hand. We define our capability or self-worth by our ability to be competitive with the neighbors, coworkers, or other family members. Do we lead or barely follow? Being content is not a positive concept in today’s society. It is though a productive ability – the less you struggle with the negative emotions the more strength, mental space, and capacity you have to succeed. It is my hope this provokes thought, effects change, and aids in comforting my reader. I like to keep the information short and pointed, but there is an article or three below from noted authors to finish out the theme of this article and lend brevity to the my article if you would like to enjoy them. MJM References: 1. Conquering Anxiety and Worry, by Dorothy McCoy; http://www.healingwell.com/library/anxiety/article.asp?author=mccoy&id=1 2. 8 Steps to Conquering Worry: By Reader s Digest Magazine | Healthy Living – http://shine.yahoo.com/healthy-living/8-steps-to-conquering-worry-2582492.html 3. How to Conquer Worry, by Dale Carnegie 1948 http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/stop-worry.html 4. http://freedomfromfear.org |